Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
“what’s it like having a sister?”
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…