Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
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Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
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“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.