Crazy how everyone’s dads were born today
You Might Also Like
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct