HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
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Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
When you kidnap a writer.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.