“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
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You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Every BBC series about the universe.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed