“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
![]()
You Might Also Like
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
this has done me in for some reason
![]()
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Cheers Twitter.
![]()
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…