My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
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judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
this is funnier than any friends episode
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.