Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
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I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.