Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
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When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.