Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.

Her: You should meditate.

Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.

*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.

But then refused to use them.

The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

[on a date]

him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.

me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.

Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED

waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.

[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]

Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am