[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
You Might Also Like
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.