Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
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knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]