I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

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Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.


Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant


Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.


Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?

Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…


Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.


Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?


Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.


I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.


I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.