I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.