I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.