I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
🤣😂🤣
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You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
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[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Reintroducing spiders into my friend’s apartment to get rid of her cockroach problem. I’m sure she’ll thank me later.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Getting married soon just need a spouse
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY