Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
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May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???