Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
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me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
How I like cutting carbs
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
Weirdos gonna weird.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping