Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?

Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

Act now and we will double your order of crap!

Infomercials

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.

Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.

Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”

[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.

Anakin: Want to go out?

Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.

Anakin:

Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”

You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.

You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.

It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.