Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
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If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
choose your gary
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Every work meeting this week
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?