Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
You Might Also Like
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Boss: What is your best trait?
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.