when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
fair
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Knock Knock
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]
This came to me in a dream.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!