My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
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Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I support this random dude and all his protests
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I have never related to anyone more.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.