My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

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Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.


I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks


6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!



My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.


TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?


I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore


“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines


[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is


If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”