Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
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I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?
Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–
6: –Oh, were you there?!
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”