I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
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Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?