In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
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went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Traveler’s camo
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore