Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
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There are 2 kinds of twitter.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
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Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”