me after drinking all the wine:
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Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.