Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.