When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE