Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
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-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.