I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
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I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
Phonetics
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy