Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
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My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Optional boss fight.
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more