Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
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A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope