I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
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Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.