if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
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Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?