I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
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Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn