I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
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You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos