The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
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Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??