sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
(yawn)
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Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
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Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
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me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.