sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
You Might Also Like
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Fashion designers:
What do you want?Women: uniform sizing across brands.
Fashion designers:
Bwahahaha!
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way