@ramblinma

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

@NotthatAdamWest

It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.

@djdarrellripley

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

@ShawnIzadi

Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?

@MichaelTrying

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

@AndyAsAdjective

the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things

@Thynebear

“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably

@_wangwe

Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.