Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.


It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.


Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.


Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!


Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?


“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”


the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things


“You’ve got a friend in me.”

– Cannibals, probably


Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.