Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
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48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?