we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
You Might Also Like
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?