Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
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Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
If I ignore life will it go away?
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
“I’m a doomsday prepper” I say to the Costco cashier as she scans 3 pallets of vodka and Uncrustables.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”