The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir