That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
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*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that