HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
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if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.