If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
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I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.