@caseytduncan

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

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@sarcasticmommy4

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

@Marlebean

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

@fuzzlime

It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets

@Coolisiana

(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*

@XplodingUnicorn

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

@

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

@smiles_and_nods

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

@

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

@dshack8

“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”

Guys named Geoff.