god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
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Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Dune (2021)
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it