*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
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her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
My patronus is a cheeseburger
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.