Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
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The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need