Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
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Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear