Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
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Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
This is the one
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
#CoronaOutbreak
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.