Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.