Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
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Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault