I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
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Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
the only bumper sticker ill allow
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda