If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus