Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
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Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.