I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
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[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
They got Raph!
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage-my wedding
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”